This blog post is truly very special. I have asked a very good friend to write a Letter for her mom on Mothers Day.
I ran my fingertips on your name. Finally, they were rightly spelled… but it did not make me feel better.
I smile back for every glance at you… yet I know this twinge of grin cannot totally hide the pinch of pain. I still want to hold you.
My childhood memories engulf me with thoughts of you, Mommy. The resting of my head on your lap while I watch cartoons; or simply twirling my arms around your neck or curling up with you in bed when thunderstorm rumbled in the sky. I enjoyed going with you in the market and together we would touch the fishes and crabs we would buy.
I couldn’t help but to laugh over the time we shared with a burger because I ran out of budget during a treat out in the mall. Awkward it may seem to bring you along in the movie house with my boyfriend… but who cares!!! Some memories, indeed! Things of the past…but exactly what I was longing to happen again…
Since the day you left, I felt incomplete. Physically whole but emotionally crashed and crippled. And now that I am dealing with adult life, I yearn for you.
With all the struggles I encounter since you had been away, I always show a face of strength. The demands of parental singleness was never outspoken to be depressing. Always “only” words of hopes. Work on dreams. Smile on pains… For the sake of my children.
It was only you as a mother, who can trace the wring of breakdown behind my smile. You perfectly understand why every time I face you in my dreams, I melt to tears, I shake with fear, I shatter with disappointments. It is the real “me”…. And no one can ever pacify and secure me but you. You are still my ground, the earth where I stand. And even though I am already a mother, I still need you around.
How funny I was to rush on growing up, only to wish of being a child again afterwards. No, it is not the physical aspect of being a small kid running around you that yearns me back, Mommy. It is the warmth of your presence on my side.
Your name made of golden steel shines with the reflection of sunlight. The photograph of your face never gets tired of smiling back at me every minute I spent quiet moment here with you in the sanctuary. Yet, it did not make my feeling better… realizing I am here and you were somewhere out there – we are apart.
I have been looking forward every sleep just to have the chance of talking with you again. It was only in my dreams where I could spend valuable time with you like old times. And it is only there, where I can feel protected under the hug and snuggle of your arms again…
I miss you so much, Mommy. Another Mother’s Day passed without you.
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